These descriptions were used in a recent obituary of someone I didn’t know well. But I knew Justin well enough to know the impact of his loss would stretch far and wide. The ripples of his early passing reached me because he was the brother of my sister-in-law and the best friend of my brother in high school. My heart wept in their sorrow. But his loss impacted me in other ways.
While his family continues to adapt to a life without him, clinging to memories more than ever, I have not stopped thinking about his obituary.
It may sound strange to be affected by a summary of someone’s life, but those few paragraphs are our heart-created footprints no wind, rain or firestorm can remove or destroy. It’s the recognition and validation of the effort we put into our life. It shares who we are survived by and how people will remember us.
The qualities used to describe Justin have been on my heart and mind. For the last few days, I have asked myself if I would, upon my death, be described with such wonderful and inspiring attributes. I have my doubts. Justin’s loved ones have forced me to do some deep soul-searching. Justin and I had a love of Philly sports and U2 in common. And perhaps I could give him a run for his money for how much I love my family – but surely fall short when it came to acting out that love. But kind? Tender-hearted?Selfless? Loving husband? I can only hope. Well, I can hope and actually do a better job, but if my last breath was only moments away, I don’t see these affirmations being part of my life summary.
I often tell my wife I’m afraid of how my daughters will remember me. I worry they will only remember my imperfections. Will they ever understand how I constantly fear for their health and safety? Will they ever know I freak out over loud noises because the first burning image in my head is of them injured? Will they remember the times I apologized for my mistakes and overreactions? Will they understand my overreactions are deeply rooted in a love this writer could never adequately express? Will they ever know my heart breaks over their hurtful words? Will they appreciate our home, food on our plates, and warm beds are the product of hard work, commitment and dedication at a job that slowly takes everything out of you? Will they ever know how much I miss them even though we’re still together?
I could go on.
And since I didn't know Justin well, I don't know of his spiritual life or his connection with Christ. What I do know is that God's love goes well beyond our comprehension and He knows our hearts better than we do. Therefore, I know Justin is enjoying life on the right side of eternity.
Justin obviously lived a good life and is remembered for his love, and I will continue to reflect on how I want people to remember me. I can only say I have the rest of my life to live up to wonderful people like Justin. We all have the rest of our lives to be better people. How long will that be?
3 comments:
Have you read Victoria Chang’s poetry collection “Obit”? This posts makes me think you might enjoy it. She wrote it in response to a parent’s death. Like you, I wonder how Ill be remembered. I’ve been thinking about penning my own obituary. Most of my life I thought I’d want others to ignore my death, but I’ve been reconsidering that decision. I suspect those who know you will have good things to say. We humans are good that way when someone dies. The flaws in a person tend to fade.
I am truly sorry for your loss. Reading obituaries often made me want to do incredible things in my life, but the older I get I realize that my obituary may not be that impressive. I'm starting to read obituaries in a different way and that there really doesn't need to be a lot of adjectives to describe someone. They were human and they participated in life. That is a celebration!
Wow, this is a powerful post. I again extend my condolences on this loss. Justin and his family and all of you deserved more time. Having written an obituary for my husband a little over a year ago (who, at 62, also deserved more time) I hear what you are saying. He was such a wonderful man that I had to work hard to give structure to what I wanted people to read about him. And while I was writing it I couldn't help reflect on what could possibly be said about me. We are our own strongest critics and that is ok. The thing is, we don't see the person others see. We aren't "with ourselves" when we are with others. So if you think of it in terms of a story, each character has its own perspective and we can control it but also not really. Anyway, I loved this last bit, "We all have the rest of our lives to be better people. How long will that be?" The reason I love it is because of a book I just read, The Measure by Nikki Erlick. It is a book that gets you thinking about the measure of your life. Literally the measure, like how long it will be. Look into the book. It is quite profound.
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